


Bad Ensign

by Curator



Series: Bad Ensign on Voyager [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Bad Ensign, Gen, Humor, Post-Episode: s04e13 Waking Moments, Starfleet Academy, reference: sex game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-19 15:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17604374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curator/pseuds/Curator
Summary: Harry Kim finds out he missed out on an important part of the Starfleet Academy experience. Hilarity and dirty jokes ensue.





	Bad Ensign

The others learned to sleep again after the aliens had invaded their dreams. But, for Harry Kim, sleep remained elusive. He was in the mess hall buffet line with Tom Paris when Harry decided to talk to his best friend about his problem. 

“I’m late to my shift nearly every day and I’m making mistakes on my reports,” Harry said. “It’s embarrassing.”

Neelix overheard from the kitchen. “Now, now,” he said comfortingly. “Don’t feel like a bad ensign. It happens to everyone.”

Tom chortled. “Nice choice of words, Neelix,” he said sarcastically. 

Their plates full, Tom and Harry walked toward their table. 

“What was wrong with what Neelix said?” Harry asked. 

“C’mon, Harry,” Tom replied. “You were at the academy more recently than any of us.”

“What are you talking about?”

Tom and Harry joined B’Elanna Torres at a table. 

“Why do you look so happy?” B’Elanna asked Tom. 

“Neelix told Harry he shouldn’t feel like a bad ensign.”

B’Elanna chortled. 

Harry was irritated. “What’s going on?”

“Harry,” B’Elanna said patiently. “You went to the academy. Don’t you remember?”

Harry looked from Tom to B’Elanna, utterly confused. 

“Oh my God,” B’Elanna said. “Tom! He doesn’t know!”

“I thought you couldn’t graduate from Starfleet Academy without playing at least one game of Bad Ensign,” Tom said with a wicked smile.

The mess hall doors swished open. Tuvok walked in and moved toward the buffet line. Harry hurried over to him, hoping Tom and B’Elanna were teasing him and Tuvok would settle this with some Vulcan clarity. 

“Tuvok,” Harry said. “What would it mean if I said the words ‘bad ensign’ to you?”

If a Vulcan could look horrified, Tuvok would have. “Ensign Kim,” he said sternly. “That is an inappropriate reference and unbecoming an officer. You are no longer a cadet and should not behave as such.”

Tom called out from the table. “Tuvok, he really doesn’t know!”

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, turned, and, with another swish of the doors, left the mess hall. His appetite evidently was no longer worth the discussion he had somehow joined. 

Harry’s face burned. He sat with his friends at the table. “All right,” he said in a low voice. “Just tell me.”

“What did you do at the academy besides study?” Tom asked. 

“Tom!” B’Elanna chastised. She turned to Harry. “It’s just a silly game. A silly —“

“Sex game,” Tom finished her sentence. 

“What?” Harry said in an exceptionally loud whisper.

Tom and B’Elanna explained together, pausing every so often to giggle or to reminisce about their own academy days. Bad Ensign was a role-playing game in which one cadet pretended to be a captain and the other pretended to be a “bad ensign.” The bad ensign was called into the captain’s ready room for a discussion regarding the ensign’s mistakes, usually arriving late for shifts and small errors on reports. The ensign would then say, “I guess I’m just a bad ensign — a bad, bad ... very bad ... ensign,” and attempt to seduce the captain verbally and physically. The cadet playing the ensign would win the game if the “captain” began to return the affections. The cadet playing the captain would win if the “ensign” gave up in the face of the captain’s stoicism despite what could become increasingly physical intrusions. 

“People were playing this game at Starfleet Academy?” Harry asked. 

“Harry, everyone but you was playing this game at Starfleet Academy,” Tom said. “It’s fun, and it’s completely consensual — either player can stop the game by calling red alert.”

“That’s why everyone laughed when training missions included a red alert?”

“Oh, Harry.”

***

Envisioning every crewmember he knew playing the Bad Ensign game, Harry now had even more trouble sleeping. Weeks went by and he continued to be late to his duty shifts and to make errors in his reports. When he walked onto the bridge late, yet again, Captain Janeway stood from her chair and said, “Harry. My ready room. Now.”

Instead of sitting at her desk, as Harry expected, she walked ahead of him to the sofa area. He followed and they sat. 

“Harry, I’m worried about you,” Janeway said. “I’ve spoken to the Doctor and while we both understand why you’re struggling with insomnia, it cannot continue to impact your work. He’s willing to give you some hyposprays to help you sleep, but he says you’ve turned them down. You’re certainly entitled to make your own medical decisions, but you’re coming to your shifts late and your reports are riddled with errors. What are you going to do to fix this?”

“I’m sorry, Captain,” Harry said. Then, whether driven by exhaustion or the punchiness that can accompany fatigue or some other mysterious force, Harry, speaking slowly, as if he were in a trance, then added: “I guess I’m just a bad ensign — a bad, bad ... very bad ... ensign.”

Janeway’s eyes widened. “Red alert!” she gasped. 

To Harry’s horror, the lights dimmed and took on a crimson glow. Alarms rang. The comm system crackled and Chakotay’s voice came though. “Captain,” he said. “What’s going on? Sensors show no cause for concern.”

“Stand down red alert,” Janeway ordered, scrambling to her feet as the lights normalized and alarms silenced. “My apologies, Mr. Chakotay. Resume normal operating condition.”

“Captain?” Chakotay asked. 

“You heard me. Everything is fine. Janeway out.”

Janeway strode over to her desk and stood behind it. Harry followed to stand, miserably, on the other side of the desk. 

“Captain, I am so sorry,” Harry said. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I —”

“Mr. Kim,” Janeway said, her voice icy, “if you wish to relive your academy days, that’s your business. I have a starship to run and you have duties to perform and I expect you to do so.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Dismissed.”

Harry returned to his station and attempted to start his shift. 

“Mr. Paris, report to my ready room.”

Tom shot Harry a quizzical look on his way to the ready room. Harry looked down at his console, imagining all the ways the captain’s call could have nothing to do with him but fearing all the ways it could. 

When Tom entered the ready room, the captain was already glaring him. “Tom, somehow I know you have something to do with this.”

“To do with what?”

“You know what.”

“Honestly, Captain, I have no idea.” Tom was genuinely puzzled. 

Janeway turned away. “I was sure you’d put him up to it somehow.”

“Put who up to what?”

“Tom,” she looked him straight in the eyes, “Harry Kim just tried to play Bad Ensign with me.”

Tom laughed so hard even Janeway’s anger couldn’t stop him. “That’s what that red alert was all about?” Tom said in between gales of laughter. “Oh, my goodness, I can’t wait to tell B’Elanna.”

“You’ll do nothing of the sort,” Janeway snapped. 

Tom forced his guffaws into giggles. “Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am. I don’t mean to be an, um, bad lieutenant.”

“That’s not funny.”

Tom chortled. “So, who called the red alert, you or Harry?”

“Tom!”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Tom took a steadying breath. “Really. I’m sorry.”

“All right. Now, how are you involved in this?”

“I may have been the one to tell him about the game. It was over lunch the other day. Harry had never heard of Bad Ensign, so B’Elanna and I explained it.”

“Harry had never heard of Bad Ensign? I thought he graduated from the academy.”

“I know, right?”

“OK, OK, so I don’t think Harry meant to ... invite me. He’s just so tired, he’s losing his ability to think straight — and he clearly has the game on his mind.”

“Captain, with your permission, I have an idea.”

***

“Why did we leave the mess hall while Neelix was still serving dinner? What’s going on?” Harry asked Tom as they walked through the corridor. 

“Just a little something to help you sleep, Harry.”

“I don’t understand.”

They arrived at Holodeck 2. Tom tapped in a few commands and the doors opened. 

“That’s my dorm room at Starfleet Academy,” Harry said. 

“That’s right,” Tom replied. “I researched everything to build you this holo-program. The holodeck is yours until 0600 tomorrow morning.”

“Why would I want to spend all night in the holodeck?”

Just then a holographic, green cadet walked into the dorm room. 

“Oh, hello,” she said breathily. “I’m looking for someone to study stellar cartography with. Are you busy?”

Tom pushed Harry into the holodeck. As the doors closed, Tom called out, “Have fun, Harry. Don’t you dare study stellar cartography!”

***

The next morning, Harry arrived for his duty shift on time. The days went by and his punctuality continued and his reports were error-free. Janeway stopped by his station. “I’m pleased your work has returned to standards,” she said. “I trust you’re sleeping better.”

“Yes, ma’am. I just needed to have one night of good sleep to be able to know that alien wouldn’t return to haunt my dreams.”

“Good.” 

Janeway moved to leave, but Harry said, just loud enough for her to hear, “Captain, I want to apologize again for my behavior. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right, Mr. Kim,” she said quietly. 

“So, you’re not upset?”

“Of course I’m upset, Mr. Kim. Before you, I’d never lost the game.” She smiled and added, “Carry on with your duties, Ensign. Keep up the good work.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Very Bad Doctor, Indeed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18512863) by [cnroth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cnroth/pseuds/cnroth)
  * [Game On](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525673) by [cnroth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cnroth/pseuds/cnroth)
  * [Aye, Captain](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18553606) by [cnroth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cnroth/pseuds/cnroth)
  * [Bad bad maquis? Or how to crash and burn in style.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18549373) by [TrekDr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekDr/pseuds/TrekDr)
  * [Bad Counselor](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18568951) by [cnroth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cnroth/pseuds/cnroth)




End file.
